in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
