They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
