please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
