Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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