I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize