covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
