a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
