So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Found your dick twin last night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
