I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
