I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
