worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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