i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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