Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize