You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
