just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this boner is exhausting
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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