Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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