You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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