As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
