I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Life is so much better after having sex.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
