i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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