Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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