he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
