My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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