I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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