I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
