Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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