went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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