the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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