Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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