break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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