a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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