I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
