im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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