What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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