And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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