I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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