I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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