One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
