Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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