he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
