I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
