Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
