how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize