I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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