Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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