I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
