Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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