pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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