when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
