Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
