Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
