The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
