Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
