Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize