You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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