My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
