I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
