I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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