Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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