Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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