Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
