when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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