I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
