Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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