We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
