i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
